What it’s like to have bulimia
I found a poem I wrote 13 years ago in the depth of my struggles with binging and purging. It’s called “Party Mix” as I used to binge on these sweets all the time. For those people not based in Australia, Party Mix are a type of sweets/candies that have different shapes like jelly snakes, squishy milk bottles and dinosaurs. I’ve included a photo below.
If this poem resonated with you and you’d like to discuss your own struggles with binge eating, or binging and purging, please do get in touch with me. Recovery is possible as well as a healthy relationship with food, including these delicious sweets!
Also check out the audio - visual representation of this poem on my instagram here.
Party Mix
It’s not your fault, you’re just a sweet.
You’re not the reason I overeat.
Your taste and texture I’d rather bear,
Than deal with what’s going on elsewhere.
You’re just a milk bottle, white and soft
You’ve no idea I feel so lost
So trapped inside this awful habit
To chew, to swallow, then eventually vomit.
You’re one of many dinosaurs
You taste so good and that’s because
I momentarily forget the claws
Of the real beast I battle each time I open my jaws.
You’re just a pair of gummy teeth
You’ve no idea of the depth of my despair
As I wreck and damage my only pair
With decay and fillings everywhere.
You’re just a snake, no more than that
You wriggle around and make me fat
At least that’s what you ought to do
But I prefer to try and battle you.
You only get to wriggle halfway
Squirming down my passageway
I wretch you back up colourfully
The yellow, the red, the blue and now grey.
You’re just some sweets, I do not mean
To exaggerate or blame you for my nasty dreams
My sleepless nights, my constant worry,
The fact my personality’s gone blurry.
You’re just some jellies it’s not fair
To dry my skin and break my hair
To callous my knuckles and fill my head
With wasted worries and fears and dread.
You’re just a girl who’s learned to cope
By stuffing her mouth and emptying her throat
Who spends all of her pennies on packets of jellies
Which eventually float by the cause of her chokes.
You’re just a girl who’s trying hard
To stop such mess and let down her guard
To deal with the issue and leave it at that
To restore normality and forget about fat.
You’re just a girl who’s trying to see
That years of purging can truly be
An addictive coping strategy
And although it is an attempted quick fix
It’s not the fault of the party mix
